Murderous in[Sanity]

Okay, so some really weird shit has been happening to me that has caused to...yes, I admit it...feel fear. Despite common opinion, I am -- in fact -- often weakened by feelings, and one of those feelings that I am certainly not proud of is fear. I'm afraid. There. I said it. Sue me.

Since I can't really tell anyone in person (they would think me insane), I feel the need to dedicate a post on here to the causes of this fear. This will mostly just be my excuse to vent about why the hell I -- Rowan, that crazy bitch who often seems completely emotionless -- am even afraid in the first place. So listen close. This is a once in a lifetime deal.


-->The Deal<--
Here's the deal: Weird shit is happening to me.
When?: Some strange things have always sort of occured, but I've almost always viewed them as coincidences. Lately, as in "since last month"-lately, things have been happening that I can't ignore, and I can't pawn off as coincidences.
Why?: That's what I'm trying to find out.
Whatthehellisgoingon?: Thank you for asking. Now I may begin.

I guess I should start with the numbers. On June 13th, 2009 (it was Monday), after finally managing to fall asleep at midnight, I woke up at exactly 1:23AM. On the following Tuesday, the same thing happened, and the same again on the Wednesday. I found this slightly odd, but thought little of it until, exactly three weeks later, on August 3rd, I woke up at exactly 1:23AM. The same thing happened on the following Tuesday and Wednesday. Since then, I've seen the numbers 3 and 9 (3x3) literally everywhere. This was indeed quite frightening, so I did some research on numerology.

-->The Numbers<--
Supposedly, the number 3 (which seems to be incredibly significant in most religions and spiritual occults) means several different things, some of which are listed below:


-Chinese say: 3 is a perfect number.
-Mayans say: the sacred number of woman.
-Egyptians say: the number of the cosmos.

In other cultures, and as a general rule of thumb, the number three is:
-universally significant
-the number of balance
-a symbol of harmony
-believed to encompass the attributes of both the number 1 (unity, simplicity, and agreement) and 2 (duality, complexity, and tension)
-a representative of opposites and the harmony between them

...and so on and so forth. Apparently, 3 is a very complex, yet simplified number. I don't understand the point of it, or why I'm seeing things in sets of three, but that is that.

-->The...Well, Just Read and Find Out<--
Now, I'll advance to the much creepier part...the part that you need to look at objectively, from my point of view as a completely sane individual. Because you need to keep that in mind as you read this: I am and have always been sane. That's what I tell myself. Therefore, you must tell yourself the same.

All right, a few oddities have stuck out over the past few weeks, but the strangest and most vivid of these "strangenesses" occurred this past Monday -- the 17th of August. I didn't mention it then because I was, frankly, very weirded out.

It was nighttime, I don't recall the exact time I realized what was happening, but I know it was late -- at least 10:30PM. In any case, it was late and my grandmother and mother were both in their beds, and my little brother, Declan, was in his room on his computer, I believe. (However, I was unaware of this final part until much later.)

I was sitting at my computer, typing away, chatting with friends, and listening briefly to the noises coming from the back room -- the game room that is on one side of my bedroom. At the time, I believed my brother was back there, watching television. I could hear sighing, and shifting on the couch, and creaking of the floorboards, and something that sounded like the faint hum of the T.V. "Oh," I thought to myself, hearing another irritated sigh erupt from the back room. "I want water." So I rose, and walked to the back room, wholly intending to make my poor little brother (*coughSLAVE?cough*) get me some water.

But when I peered around the doorway...

Yes. The room was completely empty. At that point, I could even feel a slight chill (though no air conditioning has ever reached that room since we moved in here a year ago -- it's like a god damn tropical island). But that could have simply been my imagination. Or maybe it was the fact that every ounce of blood in me suddenly froze.

Either way, that was quite obviously a very scary encounter. I remained the rest of the night wrapped in a blanket in the corner of my room farthest from the back room.

I may not be sure exactly what's going, or why strange things are happening to me, but I know that the most prominent thought in my mind then, besides the wild fear running rampant in my brain, was: gotta write about it now.

Last night I started a book -- the events of which were inspired by true events.

*insert scoff* That's a writer for you.

I haven't gotten a single bit of writing done since Friday. I'm beginning to think that I've got a serious problem. I know that writer's block doesn't actually exist (thanks to all ye who carelessly burst that bubble for me), but procrastination sure does, and I believe that it's seriously impeding me my duties as a (young, very young) writer. However, I'll be trying my best during the days to come to get my act together and put words into sentences, and get setences onto paper so I can move on with Lies. And the same with the other novels that are sitting in my Lost and Found bin. I've just got to...dive in. Here goes nothing.

In other news, I'll finally be getting to go see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince! I've been waiting since Twilight for that damned movie to come out, and I'm definately going to see it tomorrow morning. Most likely with family. HP6 is yet another example of me being incompetant. Oh, what in the world can I do with myself? *insert dramatic sigh*

Well, it's nearly 1AM and I'm really, really, really tired, but here I am. I tried to write and managed about a thousand words. I was really aiming for 2k, but it'll have to do for tonight. In saying that, I also wish to mention that I dedicated most of that measley 1k of words to The Truth About Things That Matter, which is a really good thing. Even though I've been commissioned to complete Lies by March 5th (a birthday wish from a friend), I feel that I need to exercise my other outlets. All this vampire nonsense (I say the word fondly, because I love my Lies characters very dearly) gets to my head sometimes, and I feel that my brain requires a break from it.

However, being that as it may, it is still 1AM. Nearly all of my 1k was proably flawed and grammatically incorrect, but it will have to do until morning (though it'll probably be closer to afternoor when I wake up). Lovely morning (afternoon) when I can relax and work out the kinks and major flaws.

Anyway, I think that is enough for tonight, so I bid you adieu.

I just recently stumbled (literally) upon the notebook that I used during yesterday's "work hard" session, This was the session I illustrated in the previous post that included the psychotic screaming, and the music-playing, and the movie-watching. Since I didn't do any real writing yesterday, unless you consider the ramblings in said post "writing", I instead commenced to "writing" in this notebook. I had taken the Dictionary (it's capitalized because it's like my Bible, so back off, all ye Typo-Searchers) from the shelf upstairs, randomly chosen five words, and thrown together a brief plot summary as quickly as possible. Repeat, repeat. Here is the trilogy of plotlines I composed last night (WARNING: All three are probably hopelessly riddled with grammatical errors, but it was late, I was tired, they were each written in like five minutes, and well yeah, you'll have to live with it):

1) city, execute, sea, magistrate, parasite. Verdali City is a fantastical place by the shores of the shining sea of Malla. It is ruled by a Magistrate -- Massimer Dodds -- and his crew of Enforcers. The people fear Massimer and the Enforcers, because of the terrifying, strict laws that they create. The first and most important law is called the Parasite Law. It states that anyone who catches another person breaking any of the other laws or otherwise being a drag on society must turn them in immediately. The turned-in "parasite" will promptly be executed by the sea, in front of the whole of Verdali City, setting an example for anyone else considering the life of a "criminal".

2) nutrition, pathology, poison, light, evoke. A poison known (in layman's terms) as Virus is spreading rapidly across the face of the Planet. The effects of Virus aren't fully understood, but it is believed to have some sort of effect on the brain, making a person less curios, and therefore less apt to ask questions. A small group of pathologists get together in order to discover a nutrition to counter Virus. During their studies, one of the scientists accidentally evokes Light, a possible cure. But he and the others find that Light may be more difficut to control than they had first thought.

3) asthma, charismatic, cross of Lorraine, funeral, reflective. A small-town girl named Lorraine dies of an asthma attack at age sixteen. A charismatic teen by the name of Zander moves into the small town on the day of Lorraine's funeral. Beginng with a few of her personal possessions -- a cross of Lorraine (ironically) and a small hand mirror -- Zander enter the life of Lorraine. Abused by his lazy, drunked father and ignored by his distant mother, Zander finds refuge in the life of Lorraine and in the company of her family and friends.

There they are. They sound horrible right now, but one day they'll be longer, more awesome, and freakin' grammatically correct. Just you wait.

Sometimes I wonder where my head is.

I've been neglecting my duties as a writer. "I'll write more tomorrow" and "Oooh, one a.m. sounds like a good time to start", are not good habits of thought. I'll have to start planning out how many words I type a day if I'm going to get anywhere with this.

Anyway, I snuck onto my computer at eleven o'clock last night after a hard day's work. A hard day's work being six and a half hours of me screaming relentlessly at my homework, turning rock music on during Chemistry just so I could piss off my overlord mother, and then relaxing (stressfully) in front of the television while I watched an abnormally long movie.

But after all of that, I had some juice, cracked my fingers in a very badass manner (it hurt), and sat down at my computer to work on Lies.

An hour and a half later, this is what I had come up with:

{start colassal waste of time}

Character One hit Character Two with a salami.
Character Two cried for his mommy.
Character Three -- who is he??

The best defense is a good offence. So by offending you, I'm defending myself.

A BRIEF SUMMARAYY::: So, like, there was once this girl and, like, this hot guy. She thought he was soooo hot, but there was nothing she could do because, like, he was totally depressed and stuff. One day this other hot guy came along, and the girl was like, "Hey these guys are both really hot, I wonder which one I should choose." In the end, she chose both and ate them both whole. FIN.

Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about.

riting iz gud

Why is it Yes, Man and not Yes, Woman? Rascist. I mean, er, sexist.

Me: Okay, people, y'all better calm down, got it?
Cast of Lies: We get it.
Me: Good. I'd hate to have you all commit suicide.

CHARACTER THREE IS THE SALAMI!!!

{/end colassal waste of time}

I have no freaking idea what was in my orange juice last night, but I've made a few assumptions based on what I'm seeing.

1) I'm a huge procrastinator.
2) There is more to Lies than meets the eye.
3) No more oddly colored drinks after 3PM. It's water or nothing.

I saw these quotes and they made me smile(:

"Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day.”

“A smile costs nothing but gives much. It enriches those who receive without making poorer those who give. It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever. None is so rich or mighty that he cannot get along without it and none is so poor that he cannot be made rich by it. Yet a smile cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is of no value to anyone until it is given away. Some people are too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give.”

All right, folks. I wrote this during one of my moments, so you'll have to excuse me if it makes you cry. Brace yourself.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately; I like thinking. It’s soothing, and usually leads to challenging or new ideas, which I – of course – adore. Recently, I’ve been wondering about the effect I have on people. Am I insignificant, or do I affect an influence upon other people? If it’s the latter, am I a positive or a negative influence? Maria P. says that “we unconsciously absorb each other’s energy, adopting the temperament of those with whom we share close quarters, and find ourselves changed after the briefest encounters.” If this is so, I truly hope that the changes I’ve made in my life have bettered the lives of those around me. Just thinking about these things has made me smile more often at strangers on the street, even those who appear to be too miserable to even want a smile.

Personally, when someone smiles at me, that simple fleeting gesture leaves a mark that is anything but evenescent. Thought I may not remember the faces of those who have offered me a smile or a brief “good morning”, I remember the act. In remembering, it makes me want to pass on that warm, fuzzy feeling to another person. I hope that by passing on the smile or the greeting, I have begun a chain link of events that lead to millions of people around the world giving and recieving smiles…

Perhaps it’s too much to ask; occassionally when I offer someone a smile, they glare back at me as if they would rather drop dead than smile back. But these people I merely pity. If they are so selfish that they don’t even have the intriguing urge to pass a smile on to a stranger, then they need all the smiles in the world. Because what better way to teach someone to do something than by immersing them in it?

Yesterday, while I was walking down the street by my house, I encountered one such person. I’m not sure who this man is, or why he is so miserable, but I see him nearly every day. And every single time I pass him, I smile at him and say “good morning/afternoon/evening”. He merely glares at me and scowls. Every single time. Except that yesterday, when I smiled at him, said my usual greeting and went to pass by him, I think I caught a glimpse of a hint of a grin on his face. I’d been working for weeks on that expression! Maybe it’s nothing major, maybe not enough to turn the techtonic plates, but it definately made my day and showed me that I do have an effect on people. I can change lives for the better, even if they don’t know I’m doing it!

I hope that man passes on his smile to someone else. I think everyone should offer a smile to at least two other people every day. If you do the math, the whole world could be smiling one day. (:

People ask me sometimes to babysit their children, nieces, younger brothers and sisters, etc, etc. And I always answer the same thing. "I don't like kids." They continue to pester me about it, all the way up until the point that I wonder whether or not homicide is really worth it.

But it does make me think. I mean, sometimes I just want to say to them, "Do I actually look like someone you want to leave your small children with?" I wonder how many people would say yes, and how many would vote no. The ones who said yes, I would automatically point them in the direction of the nearest clinic.

I can't remember a time when I actually wanted children, to be perfectly honest. Even when I was a little girl, I enjoyed dolls but I wasn't one of those little girls who think that there is such thing as getting married at age 18 to Prince Charming, having a thousand little baby girls, and living a long and illustrious life. That shit only existed in fairy tales, and I knew it even then. (I may have been an imaginative child, but I was sure as hell not a gullible one.)

Unfortunately, my teenage hormones are kicking in, and suddenly-- voila! I want a little girl. I haven't exactly told anyone yet, nor do I plan to; that would ruin my perfectly good reputation as a hard-hearted badass who dislikes kids.

But regardless of what happens in the long run, I think this just goes to show that opinions can literally change on a dime. With the right persuasion, of course.